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We've trained our crosshairs on more than seventy characters you love to hate. Here are just few to wet your appetite. The images in orange indicate a sample piece from the book. Just click on the image or the title to read it all.

  Look At My Striped Shirt!
Look at my button-down striped shirt! Fucking look at it!
     
  I Am The Karaoke Master
Call my name! Call my fucking name, dude! I am READY!
     
  I'm Your Bartender, and I Hate You
It's pretty sad when the bartender is the coolest person in the bar by a HUGE margin. Next.
     
  We're Just Like Sex and the City
Wait, I just realized something. Oh my God, you guys—we're just like the girls on Sex and the City!
     
  Seriously, Dude, Give Me My Keys
I'm not even that drunk. I passed out against that wall for like twenty minutes, I'm good to go now.
     
  I'm Your Cool Teacher
Just because I am your teacher doesn't mean I can't dress cool.
     
  Seriously, Get This Sweater Off Me
Lady, just because your boyfriend doesn't want to settle down doesn't mean you should pretend that I'm a real baby...
     
  It's Ladybugs for Me!
Some people are very difficult to buy gifts for, but not me!
     
  Buy Something at My Shitty Garage Sale
I've got these VHS tapes that are just killing me to part with. You remember The Mask?
     
  I WILL Get Off This Plane Before You
We WILL get off this plane before you—maybe by as much thirty or fourty-five seconds.
     
  This Gangbang is So Awkward
Look at that guy's penis! It's way bigger than mine. Thicker at least. I hope I don't have to follow him.
     
  Can't You Just Get a Cab to the Abortion Clinic?
Look, I'm not trying to be a prick here, and I know that this is probably a pretty tough time for you and all, but if there is some way around me driving you to the abortion clinic, that would be cool, 'cause I'm, like, super busy.
     
  Darling, If You Really Loved Me, You'd Bleach Your Asshole
I knew you were going to react like that.
     
  Welcome to Every Date Ever
Oh, hi, how's it going? It's me. Every girl ever.
     
  My Fantasy Football Team Is Unstoppable
You know what's crazy? I am only spending about twenty to thirty hours a week on my fantasy league team.
     
  I Am So Naked in This Locker Room
No thanks. Don't need a towel. Towels are necessary only after either showering or working out.
     
  I'm a Real Fan
My team needs me. That's why I always wear my uniform.
     
  High School Football Is All I Have
I sometimes believe that Bill Jr. has made it his mission in life to disappoint me in every possible manner. He plays soccer.
     
  America Is for Americans
You know if weren't for foreigners, we wouldn't have any terrorists?
     
  I'm Just Like One of the Guys
Hey, fellas! I know this is supposed to be guys' night in, but I thought you might be willing to make an exception for little old me. After all, I'm totally just like one of the guys!
     
  I Have Amazing Taste In Music
Now, their earlier stuff, that's where it's at. Do you have their first album? Oh, man, you don't know what you're missing. They're too over produced today. They've become too commercialized.
     
  Damn, My Penil-Thin Beard Is Perfect
I can't believe I almost gave up and shaved this thing off last month.
     
  These Personalized License Plates Should Get the Word Out That I'm a Huge Douchebag
It's kind of funny to think that there are actually people out there who are driving around with nonpersonalized license plates.
     
  This Office Snack Situation Is Unacceptable
It has recently come to my attention that certain people have been abusing the free snacks we provide in the company break room.
     
  I Am the Greatest Pretend Worker This Company Has
I've been working as a help desk computer technician for three years now, and I can honestly tell you that I haven't done an ounce of work since I've been here. Not one.
     
  I Should've Been a Drug Dealer
This nine-to-five is really getting to me. College was supposed to be my way out of the ghetto, but I feel more trapped than ever. I should've been a drug dealer.
     
  Oh, a New Screensaver. And It's Free!
Hmm. My computer is running kinda slow now...
     
  Read My Blog!
OMG OMG! Don't tell anyone. SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. I'll tell you more in my BLOG!!
     
  By the Time You Read This, I'll Be Dead
By the time you read this, I'll be dead. Or maimed. Or maybe just napping. I really not sure. I'm kind of playing it by year.
     
  You Can't Plinko for Shit, You Dumb Bitch
Are you retarded, lady? Because if so, I'll give you a pass. But anything short of Down's would make you the worst Plinko player in the history of "The Price Is Right!"
     
  Having a Huge Penis Is Not So Great
I happen to have one of those "huge cocks," and it isn't all it's cracked up to be.
     
    And many more... Buy our funny book. Fucking buy it!
     

Every other Monday until the release of the book, we will post an all-new sketch based on one of our favorite essays from "Look At My Striped Shirt!". Be sure to check back.

From the "cool" teacher to the father who loves high school football more than his son, they are all here. Now you can have a laugh at their expense everytime you fire up your computer.
Printed on super-soft, preshrunk cotton tees- the funniest shirts anywhere.
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